Should you date a sex worker? (Would she date you?)

Dating a sex worker raises questions—and misconceptions—about autonomy, self-worth, and our ingrained cultural views on sexuality and power. Sex workers are often feared, even vilified, yet secretly desired. This conflict challenges the male psyche to mind-exploding degrees (believe me, I’ve seen the smoke come out of their ears).

Watching Mistress Eva Oh’s video on the subject, “Would a sex worker date you?”, I found myself nodding in time with her message of salvation. It inspired this post as an opportunity to be transparent and vulnerable about my own dating experiences as a sex worker.

Why Ask the Question?

The inverse is usually the debate: Should YOU date a sex worker?

Too often, society views sex workers through a lens of judgment, reducing them to harmful stereotypes. Sex workers are painted as desperate, unskilled, or mentally unstable. This caricature fails to recognize the complexities of sex work and the autonomy many of us exercise.

I acknowledge that historically many sex workers have been human trafficked and forced to do work that is harmful in many ways, however, that has not been my path. I express that fact with gratitude not arrogance. My privilege does not make me superior in any way to any other sex worker.

As a Dominatrix, though, I am here to dismantle these deep-seated biases. I have certain privileges one might not expect—I’m well-paid, I live above the poverty line, I’m in good health, I’m childless, and I’m a majority ethnicity (white) in my country, which is simply an acknowledgement that I move through the western world without certain obstacles. (Make no mistake—I am not giving any praise to the roots of racism and bigotry of these value systems.)

Yet my life hasn’t been free of hardship. I was raised by a single mother in poverty, inducted into a cult at age 12, experienced domestic abuse for most of my childhood, and was forbidden from pursuing higher education. However, I don’t see myself as disadvantaged. I’ve worked hard to build a life that includes multiple careers beyond sex work—as a filmmaker, journalist, web designer, and event producer. My choices in sex work come from a place of agency and autonomy; it is one way I pay the bills, not my only option.

So, if you’re interested in dating someone grounded, independent, and intelligent, again, consider whether you are worthy.

Why Are Men Afraid of Sex Workers?

The simple answer is patriarchy and its grip on women’s bodies. The autonomy of sex workers threatens traditional power structures, especially when our sexual power is wielded confidently and openly. This fear is embedded in society’s DNA. Think of the biblical story of Adam and Eve, where their first act of shame was covering their nudity, linking sex with sin. That cultural blueprint remains, and a woman who owns her sexuality and who confidently monetizes it, still faces judgment.

This fear of female autonomy breeds contempt. Words like “slut” and “whore” (yes, please) are thrown at us as insults, attempts to dehumanize us. But as a Dominatrix, I’m also a high priestess of sorts. I hear the confessions of men from every walk of life: religious men, “vanilla” boyfriends, husbands, fathers. Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu—I’ve seen them all. They tell me things they’d never share with anyone else, not even a therapist.

Sex workers are often blamed for sexual deviancy, yet we are the ones offering a safe space for honest, authentic expressions of sexuality. We aren’t the cause of shame but the answer to it. Society tries to demonize us, but the reality is that we are the confessional where people confront their own sexual proclivities without fear of judgment.

Admit It, You Love My Sexual Prowess

We all know (or should) that men put women in two categories: the Madonna and the whore. The girlfriend/wife and the “good time.” Fuck that. This division doesn’t lead to happy, authentic unions as many men who cheat on their “Madonnas” with sex workers know. How many secretly crave the experience and confidence we bring?

Many men are drawn to sex workers precisely because of our beauty, skill, and autonomy. We have refined our sexual prowess into something both precise and powerful, and while it can be intimidating, it’s also deeply attractive. Men who are open enough to accept this might find exactly what they’re seeking in a relationship.

Get It Straight: Sex Work is Work

One major misconception is that sex workers must be personally attracted to their clients. In reality, sex work is a job—one that requires skill, professionalism, and effort. I am not attracted to the majority of my clients; they pay for my time and talents, and I deliver a tailored experience. Society respects women who work in fields that don’t directly leverage their sexuality, yet attractiveness is rewarded in many professions.

There are very few instances of sex workers running off with their clients and abandoning their primary partners. This fear is rooted in insecurity on the part of men who date sex workers.

Are You Intimidated or Grateful?

Sex workers are more than just companions; we’re anthropologists of human sexuality. We analyze and deconstruct ideas of romance, sex, and relationships, seeing beyond the surface to understand our clients’ deepest needs and desires. We are often well-read, seeking knowledge to refine our ability to fulfill client needs, to understand human sexuality in depth.

We are highly skilled in sexual pleasure, often the most beautiful, stylish, creative, and intelligent women. We are particular and accomplished. We are entrepreneurs, we are warriors, always doing some kind of battle just to survive in a world that hates us.

We even represent the feminine divine, the Goddess personified! There is no greater privilege than to experience the Goddess. She exists outside of sex work, of course, but she is refined and personified through her development as a Dominatrix. 

So, do you deserve to date a relationship specialist? Do you deserve to date a loving, nurturing, intelligent mother figure, a Goddess divine? Most of you don’t.

Ignorance = Fear

There are many reasons men fear sex workers.

Are you letting patriarchal and societal standards instill fear in you? Is your understanding of my work so limited it's causing you unnecessary anxiety?

Are you conditioned by millennia-old prejudices, which were designed almost exclusively to control women? And I know, as a 25-year member of a high control group, a cult, just what those forms of control look like. I once bowed to them and let them define me. Read my story in Domme & Dommer.

As Eva Oh says in her Tea Kink podcast about one of her partners: “The pressure of their own inability exploded into us.” You have the choice to remain ignorant of sex work or become educated and free yourself of undue anxiety.

The truth is that many sex workers highly value their “vanilla” partners. They are a refuge, a safe space, allowing for a type of intimacy sex workers don’t experience with clients. Being a partner to a sex worker is a privilege! Supporting her work and allowing her to rest into you makes her value you even more.

It’s Lonely at the Top

I’m not going to lie—it can be lonely at the top. I have been partnered with men who couldn’t accept my work or who expected me to be false to myself out of fear of their own inabilities. That was a form of loneliness I never want to revisit. Being trapped in a traditional relationship meant hiding my true self, dimming my colors to fit a narrow definition of femininity. Now, I’m more selective with my partners, choosing those who can embrace and celebrate who I am. I am no longer the caged bird who tries to sing, I am the free panther who pounces. Grrrrr.

Do You Deserve to Date a Sex Worker?

Sex workers are experts in relationships, especially those of us in kink, where communication and consent are paramount. I get to know my clients on a deep level, acting as both a confidante and a nurturing presence. I am Mommy to many of my clients, an emotional surrogate who provides safety, acceptance, and understanding. This role requires empathy, intelligence, and patience—qualities that few can match.

Sex workers know our worth and require our partners to add to our lives. In fact, I know the value of my time and talents to the dollar. So I require that partners add tangible value, in whatever form I seek it. I prioritize fulfilling my needs in part because of how skilled I am in fulfilling my clients. If I can do it, I expect you to as well.

Would a sex worker date you?

So, before you ask whether you should date a sex worker, consider whether you’re prepared for the depth and expertise we bring to the relationship. The privilege is yours to earn.