9 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self About Sex
I was a virgin until 26. In a cult. And I married a 40-year-old virgin.
See that crazy-looking woman in the blue dress above? Sure, I had great tits, but what I didn’t know about sex was a lot. (You’ll have to buy the book to get the whole story. Seriously, it’s called Domme & Dommer.)
I shot that portrait just months before I left my conservative Christian life (ahem, cult) and ventured into new sexual territory to explore my true nature. That woman knew almost nothing about sex, even though she was married for nearly 12 years.
Now, I have pages and pages of kinks I love exploring, but here are the nine things I’d tell my younger self about sex—even if I never became a Dominatrix. These are the foundations, the essence, the wisdom I wish I’d understood then to have the sex that allows me to be me.
1. Attraction Is About Energy, Not Perfection
The sexual energy that charges the space between you and a partner is everything. You are more than your body. You are your wit, intelligence, and playfulness. You are the velvet touch of a well-placed fingertip. You are the arch of a devious eyebrow. It’s the way you move that attracts. Your laugh. Your pheromones. The wrinkle of your nose. Even your crooked smile.
Don’t get stuck on your appearance. I was a child of the ‘90s and boy did that fuck me up for a few decades. I came into self-love late—almost 40—but it changed my relationship with my body and I never looked back. Don’t get stuck on media trends about the “perfect body” because as Tina Fey said in Bossypants (I’ll be referencing this again because it’s hilarious):
“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”
2. Forget the Bases; This Isn’t “Field of Dreams”
There’s no “order” to having sex. Sometimes I have sex without kissing until the end. Why? Because that’s what feels right in that moment with that person. Foreplay can be any damn thing you want it to be. I don’t even think about foreplay anymore. I imagine the entire scene. Is it a man on his knees blindfolded at the side of my bubble bath? An all-hands on deck massage with multiple lovers? A cuddle puddle that doesn’t involve penetration?
I wish I’d understood sooner that the idea of a sexual “script”—the bases, the steps, the so-called “right way”—was an illusion. Connection isn’t about hitting milestones; it’s about crafting a scene that feels authentic. Letting go of the playbook frees you to create your own experience, one that’s authentically yours.
3. Tease and Deny
I like to tease my partners. Deny them for at least a few moments. Pull away. Push back. Struggle. Then come back together. I like the same thing done to me. After all, I can't always get what I want (and this is why I love switches.)
The dance of give and take is powerful. Teasing isn’t about being coy or unattainable; it’s about creating a rhythm, a wave of anticipation that heightens everything. The best pleasure comes from learning to appreciate each moment, savoring the way tension and longing grow, and giving in only when you’re exploding with desire.
4. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
I like control and I’m creative, so setting the scene for play is crucial to me enjoying it. Lighting is everything. Soft lighting. Candles. A galaxy light. A well-placed mirror (because I love to watch). This doesn’t mean that spontaneous sex isn’t a blast too, but even a romp in the car should be accompanied by a sexy soundtrack.
I’d tell my younger self to savor the act of setting the mood—it’s not just about “getting there” but about the small, ritualistic steps that bring you closer to your pleasure.
5. She’s a Brick House
As the Commodores crooned: “She's mighty-mighty, just lettin' it all hang out.” You know what’s sexy? Curves. Yes, especially if you are born an hourglass. (Baby Sophia had the same butt dimples and chunky thighs.)
Stop worrying about your love handles/cellulite/fupa or Tina Fey’s list of female flaws in Bossypants (IYKYK). Guess what's hot? Juicy, grabbable flesh. My foray into dating women taught me this. Sure, many of us love supermodel looks, but what's hot during sex is bouncing flesh. I know how gay a woman is by how much she loves ass. And guess what I love on a man? Yes, a round ass that gyrates when I smack it!
It sounds cliché, but confidence is the sexiest thing you can bring into the bedroom so if you’re a “lady stacked and that's a fact,” don’t hold nothing back.
6. KISS MY CLAVICLES
Alright, let’s talk about erogenous zones, a term that sounds like it should be taught in biology class but is actually so much more fun. We all know about the usual suspects—you know, the crowd-pleasers. But there are these secret VIP areas on the body that no one thinks about, such as the toes (I wrote a whole article about foot worship). Or the clavicles. Or the back of the knees. There are so many erogenous zones on the body besides the genitals. That little space between the big toe and the next one? A tongue flicking in that crevice can almost make me come!
7. Ice, Ice, Baby
Adding sensory elements takes intimacy to another level, turning a simple encounter into an unforgettable experience. Imagine running an ice cube along a collarbone, watching the shiver it provokes, or dripping warm wax that teases with heat before cooling. A soft feather, dragged down the spine, barely touches the skin but awakens every nerve ending. Fingernails can do wonders too; a gentle scratch here, a firmer press there, creating an interplay between soft and sharp that heightens every second. This isn’t just about touch—it’s about tuning into the body’s reactions and savoring each moment.
Taste is a whole world of its own. Feeding each other taps into something playful and primal, especially when paired with the contrast of skin and flavors. If you haven’t savored warm chocolate cake straight off a six-pack of abs, you haven’t lived, darling! The sugar mingling with the saltiness of skin—I die!
Now take inspiration from the sensual classic, 9 1/2 Weeks, and play with your damn food!
8. TOYS FOR GOOD GIRLS AND BOYS
Toys aren’t replacements; they’re enhancements. My vibrator has been my loyal companion for years (OK, let’s be honest—she’s my best friend), and I’m not shy about bringing her along when I’m with a partner. Put simply: toys can amplify orgasms to “this is the big one” degrees. I label my orgasms the “Little O” and the “Big O.” Want to get me to the Big O? Enter my Hitachi Magic Wand.
There’s no shame in using toys—they’re simply tools for pleasure. Let them be an extension of the chemistry you’ve already built, a means to amplify what’s already there. I recommend using toys after foreplay, after a connection is forged with fingers, mouths, lips, tongues and other parts, but do whatever suits you!
9. POUNCE LIKE A PUMA, PANTHER, CHEETAH, OR CUB
Embrace your inner cat. We are animals at our core. Don’t be afraid to tap into your wild side. I love to let my inner jungle cat loose (she’s a black panther)—all teeth and talons. I like to lick, bite, and even hiss. It took years of working out of my demure “feminine” persona to discover this! Don’t let society tell you what’s “feminine” or “appropriate” in the bedroom. Own your impulses and break out of the pornstar performer mold or the starfish (if you were taught to just lay there docile).
When partners neglect their primal natures, sex can grow stale. As Anaïs Nin so perfectly articulated in her story “Lilith,” this is what happens:
“Instead of answering her as soon as he saw her hair grow electric, her face more vivid, her eyes like lightning, her body restless and jerky like a racehorse’s, he retired behind this wall of objective understanding, this gentle testing and acceptance of her, just as one watches an animal in the zoo and smiles at his antics, but is not drawn into this mood. It was this which left Lilith in a state of isolation—indeed, like a wild animal in an absolute desert.”
The lesson? Don’t neglect the jungle cat inside!
TO YOUNG SOPHIA:
Take each of these lessons to heart. You’ll find more joy, more passion, and more freedom when you trust yourself to explore. Remember, sex is about celebrating who you are in the moment, and leaning into your true nature will heighten your sexual experiences beyond what was ever scripted for you by anyone else.